I am pretty good at being mean in my everyday life. I steal candy from babies and rob liquor stores and arm wrastle big, tough dudes with tattoos! However, since I have cheesy fantasies of contributing to the world of The Arts, I feel bad bashing any artistic project. If I were in any position to criticize others, I'd be a lot more successful than I currently am.
This is not to say that criticism is not important. It lets the consumer know what he will probably like or dislike. Moreover, it lets the artist know what she can improve upon, if she chooses to read the critiques, which I would suggest she didn't if she wants to stay in the realm of the sane.
Critiquing has become an art form of its own. It's another venue to write and be on the internet and gain writing credit (which, from what I understand, works a lot like a financial credit history in the eyes of publishing houses. No credit = no opportunities). It is also an art form that I'm not very familiar with doing, so I thought I'd at least try my hand on it. Since I am quite sure that nobody in Hollywood reads my column, I feel all right with fiddling around with reviewing some of the movies I saw in 2010. I, uh, don't really know that much about cinema. So this will be Clueless's Layman Guide to the Some of the Movies She Saw in 2010!
The A-Team: Lots of explosions! I wished they would have drugged B.A. Baracus more to get him to fly. Face was totally adorable. The plot was forgettable, though... I mean, I forgot the plot. But I saw it a long time ago, so sue me. Four out of five stars!
Alice in Wonderland: Pretty colors. I am a Tim Burtin fan, although I was a little disappointed with him going computer graphic-crazy-bananas. I miss the days of Burtin cutting up his own leather couch to make costumes. Sweeny Todd was awesome, though, so that redeems him in advance. The rabbit and Johnny Depp's dancing was, admittedly, way lame. But casting was perfect from Alice, to the queens to the Mad Hatter. Professor Snape as the caterpillar? Sweet! Four and a half stars overall.
Hot Tub Time Machine: Why John Cusack? I trusted you! Two stars.
The Book of Eli: Whoa! Apocalypse! Cannibals! Braille! Four and a half stars!
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Of all of the movies in this series, this one was probably my favorite. Too much camping, though. I've read the books, but this movie left me excited to see the last movie as if I didn't know what was going to happen! Four stars and a half stars!
Inception: Loved it. See it. The end will drive you crazy like athlete's foot! Five stars.
A Nightmare on Elm Street: I get dragged to horror movies against my will because my friends like to see me jump and squirm. They are gross. I do not like them. But the make-up and fake blood was pretty convincing, so, one and a half stars. Well, okay, if I liked serious and unmockable horror movies, I'd probably give it three stars, since it was pretty suspenseful. And lot of people got gorily mangled to death.
Kick Ass: Even though Nick Cage usually makes me nauseous, this is a truly original and enjoyable movie. Hit Girl steals the show. I just wish it didn't have a cuss in its title because I want every little girl to see it. Four and a half stars.
True Grit: Supposedly John Wayne's autopsy showed he had between 40 and 70 pounds of impacted feces in his colon. That's totally false! John Wayne died of stomach cancer and everybody knew it, so there was no autopsy. People made that stuff up to sell enema kits and scare people off of red meat. Now you know. Anyhoo, this Cohen Brother's remake was truly wonderful. When Matt Damon is the weakest of the three leads, you know you've just seen something off the charts. Five stars.
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World: Five stars. Much like Kick Ass, it was a totally quirky and original movie. Micheal Cera makes my heart skip a beat, too.
The Social Network: My forth and final five-star movie of the year. I don't care if it's accurate or not. I guess it's not. I love movies about angry nerds. And Justin Timberlake plays such a convincing jerk!
So there you go. If you didn't see any movies this past year, now you know what I think. A pretty good year for movies overall. Now I'm off to debunk more fictitious celebrity gossip!
