As I write this, the Christmas holiday is but a mere week away.
I get teased all the time by my family about two things in particular. The first thing is, they say I'm a horrible hypochondriac. I am not. I am simply in-tune with my body and grow appropriately concerned when there are weird lumps on the back of my neck (“You're probably just growing a second, less ugly head.” “Shut up, Tyler!”). Moreover, hypochondria is not the same as simply being paranoid about getting ill. That's just paranoia. It may be just as serious of a condition, true, but nobody ever teases me about my belief that China is going to eventually hack into our grid and reap havoc on our little liberty-lovin' heads. Nobody ever teases me about no longer using public gym equipment for fear of getting herpes or hepatitis despite vigorously wiping down anything I am about to touch with alcohol. But really, that's neither here nor there, since this is a Christmas-oriented column.
The second thing my family always teases me about is my inability to keep secrets. In my defense, I don't tell negative secrets (Telling negative secrets is different than gossiping. Unfortunately for my character, I am quite good at gossiping... Karma will get me, I'm sure, but I impotently justify it by only gossiping to my mother and my best girlfriend who are already knowledgeable of the fact that I am full of crap and can't site my sources.) Who has cheated on whom and who wears a hairpiece and who texts while he drives... That's all up in the vault never to be spoken of. But good secrets... Good secrets, I have a hard time containing myself. This is especially troublesome at Christmastime because I want to exclaim, “I got you this! Love me!” I'm sure it all stems from my deep-seeded and insatiable neediness for affection and attention.
So, I've gotten a bad reputation when it comes to secret keeping. “You have to pretend to act surprised when you open it, but Bobby-Sue got you a year's supply of yule logs!”
This is especially hard for me, because I don't think I got anybody any stinker presents this year. I think everyone will genuinely like what I got them. Admittedly, it was easier this year because I didn't have so many people to buy for. My brothers plus Brian (my boyfriend) exchanged names instead of doing our usual everybody-gets-everybody-something method (although I will still exchange gifts with Brian). We all agreed at my work that instead of doing gifts this year, we'd go out for dinner after the holidays instead. And my honorary nephew is just a wee one who I could have bought onesies that say things like “Daddy's little tax deduction” and “dinner's on me!” Instead I got him a Magnadoodle, though. Magnadoodles rock! I know from personal experience. Relax. He's not even two. He won't learn how to proficiently read this blog before this Christmas. So, most of the shopping was easy-peasey.
But then there are my parents. My brothers plus Brian decided to all go in together on their gifts for the sake of quality over quantity. My mom and dad are difficult to buy for. So when Troy wanted to pick out the gifts, I was more than happy to leave that pressure on him. Tyler and I gave him the money. Shortly after this decision was made, Padre called. Padre is always really good at getting Christmas information out of me (he is an instigator who picks the Achilles heal of the group!), so he was privy to this information. His response was, “Aw, but Troy never sticks to my wish list!”
Without mentioning this to Troy, we started conversing via email about what gifts to get. I nearly peed my pants with laughter when Troy wrote, “Dad's Christmas list, as usual, is stinking terrible. It's basically a $20 trip to the hardware store.” I don't know if this is a universally hilarious story or not, but it is for me because it's so true. This is Padre's list: Single edge razor blades, a wire cooling rack (he bakes a lot of cakes), peg board, a drill bit, screwdrivers, a can of Fisher's cashews and, sigh, he wants six Ruby Red pink grapefruit. Why six? I do not know. I'm sure he wants more that five because grapefruit are such a rare, holiday commodity.
Hopefully, I can keep my secrets and everybody is happy on Christmas.
Happy holidays, everybody! Be safe and please don't drink and drive. My driving skills are so sub-standard that it is all I can do to avoid collisions with other cards under the best of circumstances.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Dorky Facebook Quiz Makes Its Way to Blogger!
25 Things About You...
1) The first car I was allowed to drive was a white, soft-top, 1992 Geo Tracker with a purple and pink splash decal streaking down both sides. Every time I passed another Geo Tracker on the road, I would put my fist in the air and declare “Geo Trackers unite!” It did not matter whether I was alone in the car or not.
2) I aspire to be a homeowner. A homeowner who has a lot of cool junk laying around... Like shrunken heads and incense and silk scarves! I want to be a homeowner who always has an open door. Not literally. That would kill me in heating costs. But you know what I mean. And I want to host weekly board game/burrito night where everyone is invited!
Plus
Plus
Equals heart star smiley face!
3) The first R movie I ever sneaked into was Deep Blue Sea. It remains one of my all-time favorite movies. Smart sharks are awesome!
4) Whenever I eat an orange, I cut it so I can make a pretend dental retainer out of the peel.
5) I love being read aloud to. I think almost every bedtime of my early childhood involved one of my parents or my grandma reading to me. Book on tape is nice, but there is something comforting about snuggling up on the couch, closing my eyes and nagging the person who is reading to me to do different voices for each character.
6) I bought a Ronco fruit dehydrator. AND IT WAS NOT A WASTE OF MONEY!
7) I have been drinking coffee since I was about ten or eleven.
8) Famous people I have met (and can remember): David Sedaris (author), Kevin Cronin (REO Speedwagon front man), Tom Pease (children's musician... sort of like Raffi, except skinnier), Herb Kohl (Politician and guy who owns Kohl's stores), The skinny guy from American Pickers... Wow. I'm kind of lame in the stalking-famous-people department.
9) You know that thing about how if you take a loose eyelash and make a wish as you blow it away, you'll get your wish? Well, when I was little, I mistakenly thought that I was supposed to eat the eyelash to make my wish come true. I have eaten a lot of eyelashes in my time. This is probably gross to most people, but I don't even bat an eye when I get a hair in my food at a restaurant. Really, what's the big deal when I probably have a whole eyelash hairball stuck in some gastrointestinal cranny.
10) I bite my nails.
11) I keep a Sacajawea dollar in my purse at all times. Padre gave it to me for luck when I graduated from NMU.
12) My favorite color is pink. Blue, green and black tie for second.
13) I have never been cool, but I've always had enough friends to ward off anyone looking at me suspiciously and declaring “It's always the quiet ones.”
14) I have never found a pizza I didn't like.
15) My boss throws erasers at my head.
16) I had a crush on Sonic the Hedgehog as a little girl.
17) I have been pulled over by the police several times. I never got a ticket for anything, probably because the officers saw the look of genuine guilt, fear, panic on my face. Also I sweat a lot when I'm nervous. I did, however, get nailed for a parking ticket once. What can I say? I park where I want.
18) If I ever come into more money than I can use, I want to donate my zillions to space research and bio-domes on the moon and self-sustaining space ships and stuff like that. I am pretty terrified about the way we as a species have other interests in mind than our own self-preservation. Why are we squabbling about politics? There are asteroids out there that we need to knock off course! Asteroids! Moreover, we're nearly on the brink of massive pandemics and nuclear wars. We need to save and breed all of the smart people! We need to keep them in space bio-domes! We need to act now!!! Go Stevie Hawkins! Get on the shuttle!
19) When I was eight, I declared one night at the dinner table that I wanted to be a stripper when I grew up. Silence. I was watching a lot of TV Land at that time. I guess that is what I thought Barbara Eaden's job title was.
20) I want someone to buy me a teeth-whitening gift certificate for Christmas. Then I will have to stop drinking coffee and tea. :(
21) I wrote a novel that I will never show anyone. That is, unless I wake up one day and it suddenly transforms into something I'm not completely embarrassed about.
22) I have had this reoccurring dream since I was really little. I am Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. I go into a closet and through a knot hole in the wood wall, I see an eye. I somehow know it's the eye of Robo Cop (I have never actually seen Robo Cop.). Then I fall into a completely different world where mean claymation rocks with faces spit pebbles at me and tell me I'm stupid. I go down a manhole to escape the rocks. I find yet another world. I am a human game piece on a giant Monopoly board. The other game pieces are Santa Claus and the devil. I tell Santa I want to go home. He tells me I can, but I can never come back. Santa's voice echos and I am transported back home. Then that's it. Screwed up, right?
23) I have two big brothers.
24) My driving skills are substandard.
25) My biggest fear is heights. I stayed in the basement when my class took us to the Sears Tower. I'd rather eat spiders. Dead, non-poisonous spiders. But spiders nonetheless.
1) The first car I was allowed to drive was a white, soft-top, 1992 Geo Tracker with a purple and pink splash decal streaking down both sides. Every time I passed another Geo Tracker on the road, I would put my fist in the air and declare “Geo Trackers unite!” It did not matter whether I was alone in the car or not.
2) I aspire to be a homeowner. A homeowner who has a lot of cool junk laying around... Like shrunken heads and incense and silk scarves! I want to be a homeowner who always has an open door. Not literally. That would kill me in heating costs. But you know what I mean. And I want to host weekly board game/burrito night where everyone is invited!
Plus
Plus
Equals heart star smiley face!
3) The first R movie I ever sneaked into was Deep Blue Sea. It remains one of my all-time favorite movies. Smart sharks are awesome!
4) Whenever I eat an orange, I cut it so I can make a pretend dental retainer out of the peel.
5) I love being read aloud to. I think almost every bedtime of my early childhood involved one of my parents or my grandma reading to me. Book on tape is nice, but there is something comforting about snuggling up on the couch, closing my eyes and nagging the person who is reading to me to do different voices for each character.
6) I bought a Ronco fruit dehydrator. AND IT WAS NOT A WASTE OF MONEY!
7) I have been drinking coffee since I was about ten or eleven.
8) Famous people I have met (and can remember): David Sedaris (author), Kevin Cronin (REO Speedwagon front man), Tom Pease (children's musician... sort of like Raffi, except skinnier), Herb Kohl (Politician and guy who owns Kohl's stores), The skinny guy from American Pickers... Wow. I'm kind of lame in the stalking-famous-people department.
9) You know that thing about how if you take a loose eyelash and make a wish as you blow it away, you'll get your wish? Well, when I was little, I mistakenly thought that I was supposed to eat the eyelash to make my wish come true. I have eaten a lot of eyelashes in my time. This is probably gross to most people, but I don't even bat an eye when I get a hair in my food at a restaurant. Really, what's the big deal when I probably have a whole eyelash hairball stuck in some gastrointestinal cranny.
10) I bite my nails.
11) I keep a Sacajawea dollar in my purse at all times. Padre gave it to me for luck when I graduated from NMU.
12) My favorite color is pink. Blue, green and black tie for second.
13) I have never been cool, but I've always had enough friends to ward off anyone looking at me suspiciously and declaring “It's always the quiet ones.”
14) I have never found a pizza I didn't like.
15) My boss throws erasers at my head.
16) I had a crush on Sonic the Hedgehog as a little girl.
17) I have been pulled over by the police several times. I never got a ticket for anything, probably because the officers saw the look of genuine guilt, fear, panic on my face. Also I sweat a lot when I'm nervous. I did, however, get nailed for a parking ticket once. What can I say? I park where I want.
18) If I ever come into more money than I can use, I want to donate my zillions to space research and bio-domes on the moon and self-sustaining space ships and stuff like that. I am pretty terrified about the way we as a species have other interests in mind than our own self-preservation. Why are we squabbling about politics? There are asteroids out there that we need to knock off course! Asteroids! Moreover, we're nearly on the brink of massive pandemics and nuclear wars. We need to save and breed all of the smart people! We need to keep them in space bio-domes! We need to act now!!! Go Stevie Hawkins! Get on the shuttle!
19) When I was eight, I declared one night at the dinner table that I wanted to be a stripper when I grew up. Silence. I was watching a lot of TV Land at that time. I guess that is what I thought Barbara Eaden's job title was.
20) I want someone to buy me a teeth-whitening gift certificate for Christmas. Then I will have to stop drinking coffee and tea. :(
21) I wrote a novel that I will never show anyone. That is, unless I wake up one day and it suddenly transforms into something I'm not completely embarrassed about.
22) I have had this reoccurring dream since I was really little. I am Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. I go into a closet and through a knot hole in the wood wall, I see an eye. I somehow know it's the eye of Robo Cop (I have never actually seen Robo Cop.). Then I fall into a completely different world where mean claymation rocks with faces spit pebbles at me and tell me I'm stupid. I go down a manhole to escape the rocks. I find yet another world. I am a human game piece on a giant Monopoly board. The other game pieces are Santa Claus and the devil. I tell Santa I want to go home. He tells me I can, but I can never come back. Santa's voice echos and I am transported back home. Then that's it. Screwed up, right?
23) I have two big brothers.
24) My driving skills are substandard.
25) My biggest fear is heights. I stayed in the basement when my class took us to the Sears Tower. I'd rather eat spiders. Dead, non-poisonous spiders. But spiders nonetheless.
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